Yesterday was a good day, but, because I’m riding on the rollercoaster of grief, Tuesday is all about tears and remembering.
I remember Henry’s birth sharply today, and I don’t feel like anything in the world will be right again.”Why us?!” is buzzing through my head at high-speed. This baby we wanted so badly and for so long (it took my partner years to feel comfortable with the idea of having another baby after the experiences he had the first time around with his ex), and now, Henry is already gone. How could this be?
I have heard from friends a few times that it’s not fair that this has happened to us, because we’re so “nice.” They’ll ask why this didn’t happen to “some crackhead bitch who doesn’t care?” But I think it’s because we do care, and we love Henry so, so much. He’ll always be an important part of our family, and we can’t choose when loss happens. So although we wish more than anything that we could have brought Henry home and raised him, we feel blessed that we did have five happy months knowing he was with us.
Today, I have turned to music as a soothing balm. I though I would share some of the songs that have been important to me during the past two weeks. It will be two weeks ago tomorrow that we learned that there might be something wrong with Henry. Call this my sadness soundtrack, if you will.
And of course, the anthem for the bereaved parent – a song I hope none of you ever have to relate to. It’s the last song that I ever played for Henry, bawling incessantly for the duration: