Keep you baby away from me

I truly am very happy for you and all of your healthy babies – really I am, but stay away from me (for now).

I save my daily walks for nighttime because the chances of running in to children and babies in strollers is significantly diminished. When I see little boys especially, I get punched in the heart.

Seeing babies makes me feel like I’ll never have that. Looking at pictures of friends who have babies (a lesson in torture) bewilders me. I’m so surprised now to see healthy, alive babies. The thought that I’ll ever be able to make one of them is unfathomable right now. I feel like my womb is a cursed place where only sick babies destined for death can grow for a short while. I feel like my subsequent pregnancies are all doomed to miscarriage, to stillbirth, to SIDS, to genetic disease.

Logic ramble: Yes, of course, I know that I may have healthy babies in the future. But I also know that it’s a risk. I know how many pregnancies fail, and I know genetic hiccoughs are more common than we suspect. I also know that I really am happy for you and your birth – you are very lucky parents, and I hope to join you one day. And this is a lot coming from someone who spent most of her life saying she never wanted kids.  Oh, how life turns tricks on us.

I know this post makes me sound crazy, but that’s my feeling for the day. I’ve spent a month grieving after what I thought was a healthy pregnancy, for five whole months. And of course, I do not want to offend anyone who has a child. I’m sorry if you feel offended. But I honestly don’t know when I’ll feel comfortable being around other people’s babies.

Am I jealous? Of course I am! And I judge myself for knowing this is petty and selfish, so I’m putting this out there knowing full-well that this is a post that might offend some of you. And this self-judging and feeling bad for writing this post isn’t healthy for me. But putting this out there is right, because I know, with 10000000% certainty, that I’m not the only bereaved parent who has thoughts and feelings like this. So I write it for you who are in this boat with me.

– Crazy woman out.

9 comments on “Keep you baby away from me

  1. Christina says:

    You are certainly not crazy, just grieving. I think its very understandable and you should take all the time you need and those around you understand no matter how long it may take you.


  2. tersiaburger says:

    Vic and my stepdaughter Esther were pregnant at the same time. My stepdaughter lost her baby at 3 months and against all odds Vic survived the pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Esther has never been able to bond with Jared and 16 years later I still see the sadness in her eyes when she looks at him. You are not crazy. You are grieving for your Henry. People should be sensitive to your grief. Hugs.

    • Mel Lefebvre says:

      I’ve been thinking about your comment all day, and I can completely understand. We have an acquaintance who is due around the same time Henry was supposed to be born, and I always pray that we don’t run in to each other. Not the same as having a family member due around the same time, but I totally understand how that pain will never go away, because it’s how I’m feeling, too. Thanks, always, Tersia, xoxo.

      • Christina says:

        My cousins were both pregnant at the same time and both knew they were having boys. One sadly lost the baby at 40 weeks and the other gave birth to a healthy baby. The cousin who lost her baby, a year later is still unable to attend any finctions where the other cousin and healthy baby are attending and still has not met the new baby. I think her family should understand this but sadly they do not and I believe they don’t feel her reaction is just. I am saddened for her because not only is she grieving but she is made to feel that after a certain point she should just be “over it”. Her family just believes someday she will have other children. Well I say, too bad, people can’t just get over things just like that and they need to do what works for them for however long it takes and people who love them should understand this. Also just because they can have other children, it can never replace one they lost. Thats all I am saying. xo Christina

  3. Elisabeth Anderson says:

    Mel, your reaction is valid and appropriate (even if it doesn’t always feel that way). You are entitled to your grief and your feelings, even if it doesn’t feel like the most socially acceptable feelings to have. I think it took you a lot of courage to write those feelings down…I think many of us feel ashamed that we are not perfect and feel things like jealousy.
    I continue to be inspired by your honesty and your ability to express yourself so well and so authentically. I always look forward to your next post about your loss and healing.

    All my love,


  4. Natalie says:

    I get it. I’m not offended in the least, for what it’s worth. Keep on keeping on, Mel.

  5. […] like? No f*ing way, not this year. For more rationale, please read my post on why I’d like to stay away from your babies for […]

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