The blob

I am the epitome of blob. I sit, I do nothing.
I’ve even been neglecting my blog – my #1 healing tool.

A few months ago, I was holding two jobs, sat on the board of directors for an environmental co-operative, and freelanced for magazines. For someone like me, the amount of things I do in a day now takes some getting used to. And I need it. It’s hard to predict when I wake up if the day is going to be a good, go out and get ’em kind of day, or if I’ll stay in bed all day crying while holding Henry’s only possession – the blanket the nurses wrapped him in at Sainte Justine’s Hospital.

But I’m starting to feel the sun peaking around my shoulder, just a tiny, tiny, small little bit. I’m starting to recognize that it’s ok to acknowledge that it’s important to do nice things for myself now and then. And that’s a big step for me. Last night, I startled my partner with the bright green face mask I put on. haha!

Yesterday, I was looking at buying a pedometer as a motivating tool to do something simple that I enjoy and encourage myself to get out of the house and make walking goals each day. I don’t know if the sun is going to stay out, though.

I’m afraid the next few days are going to be wrought with anxiety because one of my bunnies is going to the vet for surgery to remove her uterus and simultaneously get rid of tumours. They say at her age, the surgery is as risky as letting her live with a cancer that might, or might not spread.

Image by Mel Lefebvre

My bunny Sweetie aka Beetle. Please wish her luck for a safe and easy surgery!

I’m trying to breathe and not let the walls crumble around me each time something bad might happen. It was difficult, but I feel I coped fairly decently when my grandmother was rushed to the hospital a month ago, though I was probably still in shock back then. So I guess I’ll sit tight and see how things go and wish for the best. Until then, whether in the full sunlight or the darkness, a blob I shall be.

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4 comments on “The blob

  1. Anonymous says:

    Hi Mel. My heart goes out to you. I remember when I was griefstricken and a volitional blob after accompanying my father to his end, crying out at some point: I get messages urging me to “be strong”. I dont even know what it means to be strong. Strong in really letting myself feel what I am feeling; strong in denying what I am feeling? Looking back, I think it is a really good time for writing and reflection. Having time for really thinking about life, death, nature, meaningful living, and tragedy. Tragedy is really tragic; death really is heavy. The fact that you are not moving awfully quickly right now just means that you are reflecting on all this in your grief. Thank god you are not forced to go through this elaborate automaton-marionette act where you have to go to a job and pretend that everything is “normal” and hide in a washroom stall to cry when the need to cry comes upon you. One of the things that has stayed with me from that time is also a deeper and more emotional appreciation and experience of music. Maybe also take some time to listen to serious music. And (contrary to commonly held views) I think its really good to spend a lot of time alone when you are grieving. Going through all that normalcy act for the benefit of others seems like unauthentic time and energy wasted. Your sun will come out when it comes out, and then you can move and bloom again. Anyways, maybe my thoughts and feelings are just that (mine) and are not connecting with where you are. But I feel for you. Love, Angela

  2. Elisabeth Anderson says:

    Be the blob Mel as long as you need to be, but be conscious of that light over your shoulder. It’ll wait for you, and you can de-blobify when you’re ready.
    Lis
    xoxo

  3. Anonymous says:

    Wishing sweet bunny a speedy recovery and thinking of you, Mel!

  4. […] I largely echo what is said in this article on baby weight without the baby. And also on my post a while back on being a blob. […]

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