I don’t know why I do it – my friends on facebook who have babies – why do I always look at their pictures? I don’t have to. I don’t even want to. But there I go, flipping one after the other, actually seeking out pictures of their progeny. All alive and well, rosy cheeked, thriving, not dead like Henry. I’ve never been one to seek out things that hurt, so why now? I don’t expect that anything should make sense, though.
We have a picture in our room, framed, of our baby, already gone, wrapped in a blanket that only me and Tyler have seen. I was lying in bed last night looking at Henry wondering what he would have looked like if we waited a month before saying goodbye. We weren’t going to wait, just in case there was a possibility that he would have been in more pain down the road. We knew that would have been for our benefit – not his. But I’ll always wonder on every detail about my son.