One year ago today, we lost you.

I remember the hospital, the nurses – thieves of slumber throughout the night – checking that bloody beeping blue machine, checking my IV drip, inserting the misoprotol. Waiting for my child to drop and be taken away.

Contractions. Broken water. Panic of a new mom. Birth canal. Pushing. A silent baby.

We held you, our beautiful, perfect Henry. We were afraid to handle you too much. You were so, so broken. Born with limbs jutting the wrong way. So frail. You were gone, but we dared not hurt you more, our precious son. A new mom who left the hospital without her child. A father without his second son.

Now, memories. Memorabilia. A few photos. Your footprints, and the hat they put on your head that still has some of your blood. Ashes in an urn I made you.

You are long gone, but you will never, ever, ever be forgotten. Where are you now?

I love you, Henry. My first love, my first child. And I miss you every day.

Once year equals 365 excruciating days without you. Happy birthday, my sweet Henry.

Photo on 13-05-02 at 3.22 PM


The idiot receptionist and the locket

My locket finally arrived today. It’s a little bigger than I expected, but it’s pretty and I know I’ll wear it forever because I’m going to put some of Henry’s ashes in it, so I’ll always have a bit of my baby with me. That sounds a bit gross, actually. Oh well.

You can’t see it very well, but the centre of the locket has a blue-ish, clear stone. My Henry keepsake.

So today was supposed to be my 6-week follow-up with my OBGYN… *cue sad trumpet noise – whomp wowowowow….

I made this appointment in September, right after losing Henry. I was upset on the phone making my appointment for obvious and understandable reasons. It was just to check up on my ‘plumbing’ to make sure I had healed well, bla bla bla.

When I made the appointment, the receptionist (let’s call her Dumdum) told me that I needed a referral to see my OBGYN because it had been over two years since I had last seen her (whoops). I told her through tears that I could probably get the referral, but I was really upset – snotty tears upset – that I think she let it go and made the appointment for me anyway and waived the need for a referral.

So two months pass, and last night, I was feeling sad and a bit anxious about the whole thing. I was supposed to still be pregnant – not seeing a follow-up doctor because I had to have my baby torn out of me due to a fatal genetic disease.

When I woke up this morning, there was a message from Dumdum saying I just needed to answer a quick question before coming in. The question, 30 minutes before my appointment, was “where is your referral?” The doctor needed one, and I would likely be turned away once I got there without it.

Dumdum wanted me to magically whip up a referral from a huge fucking Montreal hospital and still make it to my appointment on time. Does Dumdum understand how bureaucratic systems like hospitals work? Especially since she appears to work in a similar system as the receptionist for a very busy OBGYN?

Dumdum was also really confused by the fact that I had been followed by midwives during my pregnancy, and she had me repeat again why I wanted to see my doctor, because the first damn time I told her apparently wasn’t clear enough, or maybe she didn’t bother to take note of it when I first told her in SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!!!! Where is the humanity in people like this?

I was on and off hold with Dumdum for about 17 minutes. I held back from asking her if she knew how to do her job, but I told her that I was now very upset, and if I could, I would have made an appointment with a different OBGYN. She kept repeating why I needed a referral (it’s been over two years… yes, thank you Mrs. Parrot), and that she was sorry, because she was new there (not my problem).

I told her that had I known about the need for a referral, I would have gotten it – easy peasy. Not 20 minutes BEFORE my fucking appointment! I told her how upsetting it was to to come to get checked on, and then the tears started to flow. Geeze. So I’m put on hold some more, because poor Dumdum feels really bad and she’s trying to get a hold of the doctor, but to no avail. I just wanted to get away from this lady and never speak to her idiot-face ever again.

Unfortunately, I do have to call Dumdum idiot-face back to reschedule. I made the call to the birthing centre where I was followed when I had Henry to get the ball rolling, and wow, that was hard to do. Lo and behold, I called over and hour ago and they still haven’t called me back.

You think these things take time, Dumdum?? How could she even assume that it would have been that quick and easy to get a referral?? It’s not like I had two months to get it before my scheduled appointment. It’s not like it’s her job to make sure of these things or anything, especially, and I quote, “when a case as unusual as yours comes across my desk.”

If I stood out so well, should she have maybe checked in oh I don’t know, last week to see why my referral still hadn’t come in? Oh wait, right, she waived that when I first made the appointment. Woopsie-doodle.

And it’s not, like, heartbreaking, or anything, to have to come to see my OBGYN for this in the first place.